Jokes

Short Jokes
The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
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Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.

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A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, “Bow-wow!” The cat ran away. “What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse. “Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language.”
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My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him “What was the name of his other leg?”
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The doctor to the patient: ‘You are very sick’
The patient to the doctor: ‘Can I get a second opinion?’
The doctor again: ‘Yes, you are very ugly too…’
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A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.”
The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”
The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”
The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!”

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Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

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Patient: Doctor! You’ve got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!

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Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
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A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there’s a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman “What did you do that for?”

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A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter.
A: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.
B: I’m not. I’m her mother.
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Mother: “Did you enjoy your first day at school?”
Girl: “First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

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Headmaster: I’ve had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.
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Teacher: “Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?”
Nick: “What do you think it is, Sir?”
Teacher: “I don’t think, I KNOW!”
Nick: “I don’t think I know either, Sir!”

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A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
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A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I’m the one who must dig his grave.

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A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
“Wow!,” said her father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”
“Wrong number,” replied the girl.
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PUPIL: “Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?”
TEACHER:” Of course not.”
PUPIL: “Good, because I haven`t done my homework.”
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A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don’t know which side to write the other 5!
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When I want to teach the coulors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and they will answer:
Phone rings: “Green, green!”
They answer: “Yellow?”
They ask: “White?”
They hang up: “Pink!”
While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone.
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Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
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Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
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Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can’t understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
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Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let’s start from your bank account.
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Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
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Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that’s okay. The soup isn’t hot.
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The real estate agent says, “I have a good, cheap apartment for you.”
The man replys, “By the week or by the month?”
The agent answers, “By the garbage dump..”
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Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English Student: I like it very much.
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“Why do you take baths in milk?”
“I can’t find a cow tall enough for a shower.”
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Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee
Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
Customer : What? Do you think I can’t buy more?
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“You look very funny wearing that belt.”
“I would look even funnier if I didn’t wear it.”
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“I was born in California.”
“Which part?”
“All of me.”
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“Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?”
“No, I’m sorry I don’t.”
“Well, it’s two blocks this way, then one block to the left.”
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Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well…yes and no.
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Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, “Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!” The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, “You see, it pays to be bilingual!”
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Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn’t eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,”oh, come on, let’s eat the sandwiches.” Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, “If you do, I won’t go!”
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The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb “to walk” in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ….
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run …
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Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
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A: Look at your face I know what you had for breakfast
B: What was it?
A: Eggs.
B: No, that was yesterday.
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A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?
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Patient: Doctor, I think that I’ve been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.
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Said to a railroad engineer:
What’s the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn’t have a schedule?
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A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn’t rush to my feet. Why is this?
B: It’s because your feet aren’t empty.
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Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
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Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don’t know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
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On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
“What’s the matter? Are you sick?” he asked.
“No, I’m okay. It’s just that I hate to see old ladies standing.”
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If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?
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A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.
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A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn’t stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: “Young man…you keep both hands on the wheel…I’ll tell you when it’s raining!” :)
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I used to be a werewoolf…
But I’m much better noooooooooooow !
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“Spell SPOT three times.”
“S P O T , S P O T , S P O T”
“What do you do when you come to a green light?”
(answer is invariably-) “Stop!”
“What, at a GREEN light?”
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There is a California dude going through a desert. He’s wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He’s having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and ask them cheerfully: “Hey dudes how far is the sea?” They look at each other and say: “Two thousand miles!” And he says: “Wow what a cool beach!!!”
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In a restaurant:
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
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One teacher said this to his students before the final test.
“A” is for God.
“B” is for me and my wife.
“C” is for the perfect student.
“D & F” are for all other students.
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Man said to God — Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man — So that you will love them.
Man said to God — But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man — So that they will love you.
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This is a humorous “fake” news items which many adult ESL/EFL students may understand.
REDMOND, WA (API) — MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that
the official release date for the new operating system
“Windows 2000″ will be delayed until the second quarter of
1901.
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Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you so much! (I love you so much..)
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Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
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Early one morning, one of the gods was galloping around Mount Olympus. Invigorated by the brisk breeze, he shouted euphorically, “I’m Thor!”
His stallion looked back at him and reminded him, “That’th becauthe you forgot the thaddle, thilly!”
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Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.
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1. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
2. Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and heard?
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You can use this joke to explain that insulting someone is considered funny especially when that person is fishing for a compliment.
Mary: John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you’re pretty ugly.
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My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.
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“Do you know what really amazes me about you?”
“No.What?”
“Oops.Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!”
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Why do we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway?
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If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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A person who speaks two languages is bilingual…A person who speaks three languages is trilingual…A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?
An American.
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A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The man says, “OK, give me the good news first.”
The doctor says, “The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.”
The man replies, “Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?”
The doctor says, “The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.”
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Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an “I”.
Student: I is the….
Teacher: Stop! Never put ‘is’ after an “I”. Always put ‘am’ after an “I”.
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

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Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
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Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other “Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?”
The other one says “No, It doesn’t worry me, I’m a horse!”
Man: How can you tell if a man is happy?
Woman : Who cares?!

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Comebacks to that all time favorite question “Why Aren’t You Married Yet?”

You haven’t asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

Because I just love hearing this question.

Just lucky, I guess.

It gives my mother something to live for.

My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.

I’m still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

I’m waiting until I get to be your age.

It didn’t seem worth a blood test.

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

My co-op board doesn’t allow spouses.

I’d have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

I guess it just goes to prove that you can’t trust those voodoo doll rituals.

What? And lose all the money I’ve invested in running personal ads?

I don’t want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

Why aren’t you thin?

I’m married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

(Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.